My friend Rachel Evans put up a provocative post this morning. Dear Pastors - Tell Us the Truth
In her post, and you should read it first, Rachel urges pastors to be honest with their churches about their doubts, weaknesses, and struggles. Signing it from "The Congregation," she says that a pastor who is transparent in front of others will lead them into freedom and will create communities that radiate grace, love, and truth. And it sounds great. Who doesn't want that? There's a big part of me that agrees with her sentiment. But I've also been the pastor who waved the flag of honesty and transparency and I've been burned by it.
When I first started preaching in 2000, I was the prototypical Gen-X pastor who committed to describing things like they really were. I refused to varnish life with religious platitudes and I threw out words like "authenticity" and "real" a lot. I thought that if I could model these things then I would free others to put down the religious masks and to experience real intimacy, forgiveness, and healing. I openly expressed my specific struggles in my spiritual life and my relationships. And, honestly, it felt horrible. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt like I was giving things away that I would never get back. It felt a little like a public therapy session without the therapeutic elements. And then a few people in the church started using what I said against me. They usually did it in subtle ways, but they would mention shortcomings I had shared in public settings to undermine my leadership. One person, upon finding out I was in therapy, questioned whether I should be in ministry at all. Other pastors I know who are part of more conservative denominations have been fired for sharing personal struggles.
Pain is part of ministry, and I know that those of us who are called to pastoral ministry will experience pain. I know that we need to lose life in order to gain life. Jesus has demonstrated that quite well. But when I read challenges like Rachel's I am reminded of those vulnerable experiences. As a result, now, when I speak in public, I am very careful with how I word things and I don't share many details of specific struggles. I only share those aspects of my life with close friends and with my therapist and spiritual director. It feels much healthier. When I share with them, it feels healing for me, like I'm gaining something from it.
So, when Rachel signs her letter from "The Congregation," I have to wonder which "congregation" it is who is eager for their pastor to tell the truth about life, faith, and relationships? Which congregation doesn't only say they want authenticity and honesty, but will actually respond well to it and find God's healing through those things?
My guess is that the congregation she is describing has these characteristics:
1. The church has a culture of grace. When people share honestly with one another, they are not condemned for it but are met with love and empathy. They hear "me too" more than "shame on you."
2. The church has a lot of young people. The college students and young adults I've worked with over the years have been far more eager for honesty than others I've worked with. They are likely immersed in social media and its culture of sharing and are comfortable with opening up the intimate aspects of their lives with others.
3. The church is emotionally healthy. When confronted with weakness or struggle, they search inside of themselves instead of punishing others for what they've done.
4. The church wants to be challenged. Truthfully, a lot of people in churches are not looking to hear something hard or new. They don't want to be led in new ways. They come to church to hear the things they already know and to be comforted. They need to want to be led and to be stretched in new directions in order to be open to the honesty that heals.
If we're being honest, most churches do not have these characteristics. I don't know how many Rachel Evans there are in most churches who would receive a pastor's honesty with grace and self-reflection. And that's why most pastors are unwilling to tell the truth.
Excellent response Adam!
ReplyDeleteAs a young pastor myself I want badly for Rachel's post to represent how a congregation would react, but my fear (based on years in the church) is that it doesn't seem to usually work that way.
Thanks, Adam. I've had similar frustrations in ministry since we left seminary. Rachel's post tapped into old longings and hurts I have experienced. And while it resonated with the ministry I envisioned for myself, it certainly did not jive with the realities I have encountered.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately what you and Rachel spoke is, in general, not what many in the congregation want. They want to be spoon-fed, they want someone who (at least appears) to have the education and/or expertise to meet all their needs and desires which they perceive to be the bailiwick of the "pastor". I understand your predicament. I don't envy you. I have a compassionate heart for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope times will change. I spent 59 years in church as a teacher, deacon, and member. I finally realized that this is not where I will find Source, the Ground of All Being. Since leaving the church, I have groaned for members and pastors like you, who "have been burned" by the system and by members of their congregation.
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ReplyDeleteI like how your post acknowledges the reality that most congregations don't seem to be like the one Rachel writes about/hopes for, but does not preclude the possibility of such a congregation. Although I don't know how common it will be, nor how quickly one can move towards that kind of a healthy congregation, it is encouraging to believe that it is nonetheless possible.
ReplyDeleteused to be part of a church and i remember begging the pastor to just talk to me like a real person and not just 'i will pray for you'...
ReplyDeletei agree most in church can not handle the truth...sadly sometimes this extends to christ's truths.
dawn
http://comfycats.blogspot.com/
I find myself thinking of Nouwen's The Wounded Healer: There's a place for self-disclosure, but it's a selective sharing of past struggles, with enough time and distance from the event, so that the sharing is truly about teaching, guiding, and comforting. I would argue, if the story feels more like it's for one's therapist and/or spiritual director, then it's quite possible not enough time has passed to make it suitable for sharing. In addition, I completely agree that the health of the congregation, and how that congregation defines the role of the pastor, both matter hugely in the decision to self-disclose.
ReplyDeleteHonesty and vulnerability are great, powerful things. I think that it would be a shame if we didn't use them to our advantage in our ministry.
ReplyDeleteI do believe, though, that it's important to recognize the appropriate spaces for honesty and vulnerability. There's a book called 'The Search To Belong' by Joseph Myers that addresses this well. What the book says is, there are four spaces in which we relate: public, social, private, and intimate.
The public space is the most open space. If I were to describe it in a sound bite, I would say that it's "the space in which we participate but don't engage." This is the space of sports events, gyms, concerts, political rallies, etc. in which affection for a common interest connects a group of strangers.
The social space is a bit more intimate. It's "the space in which we engage, but don't necessarily invest." This would be more like an office party, a bar, or some other social event/outing. We interact with people and exchange snapshots of our lives and personalities with each other, but neither divulge the big picture.
The personal space is "the space in which we engage and invest, but still control the flow of information." This is the space of one-on-one lunch meetings, intimate phone calls, and controlled vulnerability.
Then there's the intimate space, which is "the space in which we are naked and completely vulnerable). This space is (or should be) reserved for God, and your spouse.
I don't believe that Sunday service, which I consider a public and/or social space, is the space for unabashed vulnerability. I believe that private interaction can and does happen in the church, but a pastor addressing an entire congregation is interacting in the social/public space. To expose oneself to that degree of vulnerability without the consent of most or every individual creates an atmosphere of forced intimacy. It's like when someone posts a deeply personal opinion or secret on facebook. It's not really the space for that.
Another thing to recognize, I believe, is spiritual authority. In order to be able to BE honest and vulnerable about some things (even if you don't necessarily do it), I believe that the congregation (especially in a Western-cultured church) needs to recognize and understand the concept of spiritual authority, which says that God has, by placing someone in a leadership role, or by entrusting someone with a vision for the church, has delegated his authority to them, or upon them. To challenge their authority or undermine it, is to challenge or attempt to undermine God's authority.
It's good to be honest, confess, and be vulnerable. Karl Barth says it best: "When we confess our virtues, we are competitors. When we confess our sins, we are brothers." However, we need to be able to recognize the ideal space / relationship for that.
Anyway.. My two cents. :)
It is very sad that your congregation would use this against you. We don't see congregations doing this when we have a guest speaker come in and speak of his/her trials. When a drug addict comes in and testifies about overcoming his addiction and finding Salvation. To me, it's rather hypocritical. But, then again, I have seen some Pastors preach one thing and do another.
ReplyDeleteI think we try and hold a Pastor above ourselves. However, too many see themselves above their congregation. They look to the ones tithing the most or spending the most.
I used to love going to church. I loved the services when the Spirit flowed and you could feel the Spirit the moment you walked through the doors. I don't seem to feel it anymore. It could just be me.
I think we need to get back to God. We need to open ourselves up and remember what we are in church for. Not clothes, not the latest gadget; we are there to learn, love, and glorify God. We are all human and if, as a Pastor, you can't share your downfalls or problems, then maybe you aren't in the right church. God created us equal. It is only fair that a Past should be able to share his problems, just as the flock can come to the shepherd and share there.
I'm so glad we're having this conversation. Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful comments, everyone. I've read Myers book, Inki, and in fact I mention it in my own book. I think you're really onto something there. The question for me is where is the line between authenticity and "unabashed vulnerability," as you put it?
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in your struggle. I'm not a pastor myself, but I am all about authenticity and being real about my struggles. I write and blog about them pretty openly, and talk about them almost as openly--of course I'm a 29-year old Gen Xer with a rough personal background. There is definitely both a cultural and a generational gap with this sort of issue, but facing it is the first step to overcome it--let's all do our part to stay strong in the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in your struggle. I'm not a pastor myself, but I am all about authenticity and being real about my struggles. I write and blog about them pretty openly, and talk about them almost as openly--of course I'm a 29-year old Gen Xer with a rough personal background. There is definitely both a cultural and a generational gap with this sort of issue, but facing it is the first step to overcome it--let's all do our part to stay strong in the truth.
ReplyDeleteIt is very sad that your congregation would use this against you. We don't see congregations doing this when we have a guest speaker come in and speak of his/her trials. When a drug addict comes in and testifies about overcoming his addiction and finding Salvation. To me, it's rather hypocritical. But, then again, I have seen some Pastors preach one thing and do another.
ReplyDeleteI think we try and hold a Pastor above ourselves. However, too many see themselves above their congregation. They look to the ones tithing the most or spending the most.
I used to love going to church. I loved the services when the Spirit flowed and you could feel the Spirit the moment you walked through the doors. I don't seem to feel it anymore. It could just be me.
I think we need to get back to God. We need to open ourselves up and remember what we are in church for. Not clothes, not the latest gadget; we are there to learn, love, and glorify God. We are all human and if, as a Pastor, you can't share your downfalls or problems, then maybe you aren't in the right church. God created us equal. It is only fair that a Past should be able to share his problems, just as the flock can come to the shepherd and share there.
Unfortunately what you and Rachel spoke is, in general, not what many in the congregation want. They want to be spoon-fed, they want someone who (at least appears) to have the education and/or expertise to meet all their needs and desires which they perceive to be the bailiwick of the "pastor". I understand your predicament. I don't envy you. I have a compassionate heart for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope times will change. I spent 59 years in church as a teacher, deacon, and member. I finally realized that this is not where I will find Source, the Ground of All Being. Since leaving the church, I have groaned for members and pastors like you, who "have been burned" by the system and by members of their congregation.