I had the opportunity on Friday to hear Lois Frankel speak at my alma mater. Frankel is a corporate coach and prolific writer, focusing on women in leadership. She's written books like Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office and See Jane Lead. My wife was participating in a women's leadership day and so I tagged along for Frankel's talk.
The talk got off to a rough start for someone who has written about introverts and leadership. Frankel started out by saying "People like speakers with energy. So be sure to speak with lots of energy." Later on she said "Those who speak up first are considered leaders. So make sure, in meetings, that your voice is one of the first voices to be heard." Essentially she confirmed many of my frustrations with our extroverted-biased culture. Those who speak up the most and who radiate the most energy are considered self-confident leaders, ripe for promotion, whereas those who reserve their opinions and have a smaller "presence" in a room are considered followers or worse, timid or ineffective.
I've written much about this topic, especially in the two leadership chapters in my book. I've tried to demonstrate those who speak up first may not actually have the best ideas, and that often the person with the most power in a room is the one who remains silent for a time and then speaks up later. In fact, later in the talk Frankel talked about how traditionally "feminine" qualities, like listening, are becoming increasingly valued in our leaders. She said, "People want leaders who will ask their opinions and listen to them." Those also sound like introverted qualities.
She also later qualified that "having your voice heard first in a meeting" does not mean that you have to state your opinion. You can just ask a question or clarify something. But speaking early shows you are engaged. I think that's pretty good advice.
What her talk helped remind me of is that being an introverted man is a different experience from being an introverted woman. A man who is silent in a meeting most likely has more power than a woman who is silent in a meeting. A man who speaks softly and slowly is interpreted differently from a woman with those qualities. In the personal sphere, a woman who wants time to herself is often read differently than a man who goes into his cave. I wish this weren't so, but it's unfortunately still a reality.
Women, what is your take on these things? What is your experience of being an introvert in meetings? How do you think you are interpreted differently than introverted men? Do you think that you have to project extroversion more than your male counterparts in order to be successful?
Wow, this is a very interesting topic for me. I'm probably not your classic introvert when it comes to meetings because I actually enjoy the structured interaction provided by them. I feel more comfortable speaking when conversation is on topic and moderated.
ReplyDeleteBut that being said, I'm going to start by saying that as a woman I feel the tension between wanting to speak and not wanting to come across as "unladylike." I often feel that there is an expectation placed upon women to soften what we say, especially when men might be intimidated by our very strong opinions. I am an introvert, but I do not shy away from strong opinions, and often fear my strong opinions typecast me as a "ball breaker" or worse, simply because I am female.
I don't think gender is the issue so much as extroversion vs. introversion. I know some quiet guys with good ideas who are regularly overlooked because they don't speak up. And when I can't get a word in edgewise into a conversation, I don't feel like it's because I'm a woman so much as because no one can stand the thought of a 5 second window of quiet, so they just keep talking. Five seconds of silence means we must have plumbed the depths of the conversation, right?
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested in finding ways to help the introverts give their input in meetings without feeling like they need to take a bat and beat a path into the conversation. I manage to get myself heard in PTO meetings by being secretary. Since I write the agenda, that gives me a chance to slide my thoughts right into the skeleton of the conversation. I don't have to talk much at the meeting itself because I've already been able to guide the conversation to where it is in the first place. But that's certainly a special circumstance.
And how do we help our kids who are introverts when they're not chosen for leadership positions because they're not the loud, in-your-face students? It's a similar problem.
I agree with Laura that women with a strong opinion or demeanor are typecast negatively. I'd use a different "B" word. The same tone of voice or opinion from a man is considered good, strong leadership. I have the joyous position of being a strong-willed, opinionated, introverted Hispanic woman in a classic Hispanic "machismo" environment.
ReplyDeleteIn meetings I usually say what is on my mind, but that is only once I am comfortable with a group. That can take me a VERY long time. Then I can be somewhat extroverted, especially if the topic is creative in nature. I don't talk just to talk. If I have nothing to say, I say nothing.
To address barefootmeg's concern about getting introverts involved in meetings: I once heard a Christian psychologist recommend giving people the agenda in advance so they can be thinking about it before the meeting. He also recommended reviewing old business because introverts walk away from meetings and have their best ideas later.
Hmm... I think it varies. It also seems different with men/men and women/women interaction. My husband is an introvert as well. When he does speak, it's with a lot of thought and wisdom. He tends not to at many times because of the general rule that men who are ambitious or professional speak up, loudly and first. Seems like a popularity game... But not always. He succeeds in his line of work for being a careful thinker, listener and speaker and gains much respect. It's more of a different story when its a hang-out time.
ReplyDeleteWith me and other women, the more I allow myself to be 'me', the more I see that I am ignored or not included with other women. I suppose they must think I don't like them or don't care or something. I just take a lot in, think, feel, analyze and proceed with caution when socializing. I am also not playing the game of making appearances. But I am a very loyal and caring friend.
In many ways though, it still really depends. It seems that for my husband and myself, the people who give us a chance and an ear usually are more genuine listeners, thinkers, feelers. Introverted or not. They aren't the biased ones or judge by outward appearances. Charm really is deceptive.
God bless you all and thank you Mr. Adam. You have no idea what a blessing you are to us!
After hearing Lois Frankel, I'm pretty convinced this is a big issue, and it may be a lot harder for introverted women than men. Introverted men, in the workplace, may be considered wise and thoughtful, whereas introverted women may be viewed as more unlikeable and standoffish.
ReplyDeleteI do think that men are automatically granted authority, while women constantly have to think about earning and maintaining authority. And Lois Frankel is right that a good way of doing this is to contribute meaningfully early on in the meaning. (I also love her advice that the contribution can be a thoughtful question. It doesn't have to be a big declaration.)
ReplyDeleteBut, back when I was a corporate lawyer, I noticed one area in which (introverted) women had a decided advantage -- we could make friends one-on-one with the people in a given meeting in a much more intimate and connected way than men are culturally allowed to do. This often happens behind the scenes, before the meeting starts, or during a break, or whatever. Women can ask questions about people's kids, careers, hobbies, in deep and sincere ways (and of course introverts tend to be good at these kinds of questions). These conversations take place outside the spotlight, but they forge bonds that are often useful once everyone's sitting together at the meeting table.
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ReplyDeleteIntroverted women in leadership is a different animal than introverted women in CHURCH leadership. Gender can easily become an issue for women leading in the church.
ReplyDeleteHaving been in various leadership roles within multiple churches, as an introverted woman, I have come to realize how exhausted I am most of the time. The intricate dance of ministry, leadership, and life, not to mention the theology of what I can/cannot/should/should not do/be takes away from actually being able to focus on the ministry at hand. Granted, it depends on the church and its leadership and the position held.
I have found meetings difficult, at best. I learned to say little, if anything. And then I can be suspect for not talking. If I say too much, I am accused of dominating or not letting the men "lead" or being insubordinate or some such nonsense. Generally I speak only if I really have something I am convicted about. Mostly I just want to be out of the meeting and into my ministry area.
That said, individual relationships and interactions are key and I tend to focus on those instead. And often the men I work with will bring up and idea or point I made in one-on-one conversations, bringing those into the larger meetings.
I don't want to sound like being an introverted woman in church leadership is all a battle. It is not. But there are times it can be a really difficult balance.
I agree with many of the statements made by your other commenters here. I find I am much more reticent in a work meeting than in a church meeting. Perhaps that is because I now feel more comfortable at church meetings. Also, I have learned that God and humanity will not devour me for praying out loud in a meeting. I am at a mainline denomination church which has accepted women in leadership roles for a long time, so I don’t feel a particular challenge to women in leadership roles at church.
ReplyDeleteIn the work world, when I started in the private sector trading firm 25 years ago it was still mostly a man’s world (yes, even in the 1980s), and I was often the only woman in the meeting room, among 20-30 men who had no faith instructing them on how to treat others with kindness. I now attribute my reticence more to my introversion (after reading Adam’s book) than to my gender, but perhaps because of my early work experience, I was scarred for life!
My question as a mother is the same as barefootmeg asked: “how do we help our kids who are introverts when they're not chosen for leadership positions because they're not the loud, in-your-face students?” My daughter (age 11) already reports to me that she cannot be a leader. My son’s scout leader seems to give the higher-responsibility leadership positions to the extraverts in the troop, and discounts the leadership abilities of the introverts, of which my son is one. Thanks to your book, I am now able to explain to them the excellent qualities of leadership that introverts can offer. I just hope my explanation is enough.
I was involved in a theatre ministry for 9 years. When on stage performing or in front of a group teaching, I felt extremely comfortable. I LOVE public speaking/preaching and feel completely in my element. Small, intimate groups are also where I thrive. During training times, however, there were a LOT of large group activities and these were completely overwhelming for most of us introverts, with one activity after the other and no 'recovery time'. The majority of the senior management were extroverted and not overly considerate to the introverts in the group.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it was a ministry where only strong/extroverted women were considered to be viable team leaders and introverted women were always selected for leadership last - extroverted women first, then the extroverted men, the introverted men, and finally the introverted women. When the 'quieter' women were finally placed into leadership, we were considered to be ineffectual if we didn't lead our teams the way the extroverted women (or even the introverted men) did. This put a lot of pressure on, and myself and several others eventually succumbed to depression because we were constantly being compared to others. As my husband and I were getting ready to leave the ministry, I had finally found my confidence again and voiced my opinions to the senior leadership. I challenged the way myself, my husband and others were being treated and I was verbally abused and publicly embarrassed for it. My husband stood up for me and he was apologised to, but I wasn't.
Don't get me wrong - I have a lot of extroverted friends and I love them dearly, but it wasn't until after I left the company and found a church where my husband and I were accepted for who we are, that I truly felt happy again. Our new church has an introverted pastor who seeks to help everyone find their place in ministry, challenging them to step out of their comfort zone but not to forsake the identity God gave them in the first place - introvert OR extrovert.
I don't regret my time in the group as I did learn a lot about myself and others, but it hurts being treated that way in a ministry. I am glad for the lessons learnt and look forward to finding a ministry to be involved with in our new church.
Introverted women in leadership is a different animal than introverted women in CHURCH leadership. Gender can easily become an issue for women leading in the church.
ReplyDeleteHaving been in various leadership roles within multiple churches, as an introverted woman, I have come to realize how exhausted I am most of the time. The intricate dance of ministry, leadership, and life, not to mention the theology of what I can/cannot/should/should not do/be takes away from actually being able to focus on the ministry at hand. Granted, it depends on the church and its leadership and the position held.
I have found meetings difficult, at best. I learned to say little, if anything. And then I can be suspect for not talking. If I say too much, I am accused of dominating or not letting the men "lead" or being insubordinate or some such nonsense. Generally I speak only if I really have something I am convicted about. Mostly I just want to be out of the meeting and into my ministry area.
That said, individual relationships and interactions are key and I tend to focus on those instead. And often the men I work with will bring up and idea or point I made in one-on-one conversations, bringing those into the larger meetings.
I don't want to sound like being an introverted woman in church leadership is all a battle. It is not. But there are times it can be a really difficult balance.