My regular readers know that I am working on my second book, which is tentatively entitled The Art of Listening. It will be released by InterVarsity Press, probably in 2013.
I've received an unexpected and interesting response from several of my friends as I've told them about my new book contract. One of my best friends from college said "Great. Now my wife is going to read it and expect me to actually do what it says. Thanks for nothing!" He was kidding, but there was a grain of truth in it. Or possibly quite a few grains. I received an almost identical response from a well known theologian.
Back in the 90s, a lot of us read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus , and there we learned that women are listeners and men are problem solvers. When women express concerns, so the book says, they want empathy, whereas when men express concerns they want solutions. John Gray says this creates much conflict between the sexes.
So, according to the responses I've received, the rumor that men are not good listeners is alive and well. So what do you think? Is it a stereotype or is it a fact? Are women more natural listeners than men? If so, why?
My experiences may be skewed, so I could use your input. I'm a hospice chaplain and a trained certified director, and I often call myself a "professional listener." My life and ministry majors on listening. Plus, I am surrounded by men who are excellent listeners, whether pastors, spiritual directors, or chaplains. Further, and this may be controversial, I find that many women are quick to dispense and ask for advice.
Is one gender better at listening than the other, or is listening judged strictly on a case-by-case basis?
Interestingly I've just blogged about a talk that I heard two or three years ago at Greenbelt where Jenny Baker talks about gender stereotypes. Here's my post Sod the Difference.
ReplyDeleteAs a female introvert and mathematician, I find myself sometimes listening and sometimes problem-solving. If someone starts talking to me, I automatically go into listening mode (due to being an introvert) and then after a bit of processing, I try to give back either empathy or a solution depending on what seems warranted. However, I have a few female extrovert friends who can talk ad nauseum. I'll listen for a bit, but then look for a way to end the conversation since I know they want all sorts of gushy empathy that I just don't have to give. I find it takes far less energy for me to provide a solution over providing empathy. I find listening especially vexing when the person just wants to talk the problem to death without any intent of looking for a solution or moving past the problem. I think people mistake "listening" for "sitting perfectly still while the other person talks your ear off" which is not productive.
ReplyDeleteThe best listeners seem to be those who are not self-important. A self-important person is only listening for key words and pauses where they can interrupt and then interject their viewpoint. A true listener listens with the intent of gaining comprehension so that they can give a proper sense of empathy or provide a solution that is relevant. I think in that sense, high-energy extroverts (of either gender) are more apt to dispense quick-fixes and off-hand comments without really thinking.
For the record, the best conversations I've had in my life have all been with men. Those conversations were in balance (equal listening and discourse) and I felt that the guys were actually interested in understanding what I had to say. All of my worst conversations have been with women who just run over everything I'm trying to say and then tell me I'm wrong when I point out where they are misunderstanding me.
So from my viewpoint, men are much better listeners. The thing is, they just don't have much patience with "word vomit," that is, the endless emotional dribble that many American women seem determined to dispense.
Interestingly, most of the women I know are good talkers (not listeners).
ReplyDeleteHowever, the gist of the myth—or is it a generalization?—seems to be that more women than men communicate for sympathy, whereas more men than women communicate in order to solve problems. When my wife shares with me how awful she feels, I can't help but feel a deep need to do something about it. And when there's nothing I could possibly do to make it better, I end up feeling helpless. (And I trust that isn't what she was aiming at when she shared how she felt.)
Similarly, if there's nothing I can do to address a negative feeling, I naturally tend to want to put it off until I can think more clearly about how to address it; I don't want to share just for the sake of making everyone else feel as bad I as do. Unfortunately, the same impulses engage with positive feelings, too.
-TimK
I'm a woman and I have both men and women who are NOT good listeners. By nature though, women may be better just by virtue of the mothering instinct, but again, I've met some who are driven to just get things done and so they are not very good at empathetic listening. Men are more problem solving-oriented and so when you say something, particularly in distress, I think their mind immediately goes to "how can I fix this?" However, I have met thoughtful men who listened, walked away and thought about the matter before chiming in. The men you're probably surrounded by Adam, are people who have been trained and integrated the training well. Whenever you're in ministry or counseling and you've had the good fortune at being "trained" in people skills, I think you have an advantage over those who have not been trained. But again, it's all about what you do with that training. I know a professional counselor who is quick to deliver her assessment of a situation and be quite negative. I actually avoid talking to her. I think listening is a skill that some people either develop or not.
ReplyDeleteWhile there might be gender-based trends, when it comes down to it, it depends on the individual involved. The one person in all the world who has not only 'listened' but 'heard' me is male. Yes, he's a trained counselor, but he's also just naturally wired that way (maybe the reason he became a counselor?). And, I have women friends who have absolutely no patience for listening, who want only to tell their stories, and will run right over the top of everyone else doing it.
ReplyDeleteLike Louise, I've noticed a pattern of greater ease talking with men over the years. Now, because I've worked in education and social work, and my husband is a pastor, the men I interact with often do have that combination of personality traits and training noted above. I think we still have some of the gender-related characteristics, but they're not as pronounced--it always feels to me like we meet somewhere closer to the middle. Around women, I often feel out of place because I'm not as chatty and openly emotive, and I suspect women find me kind of stand-offish sometimes as a result. Men don't seem as put-off, though, and ease seems to develop more easily.
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe degrees of depression, rather than gender, matter more to one's ability to listen. People who believe and act primarily on their feelings tend to be more depressed, and those persons would probably also be more prone to dwelling on the emotions at hand, either through gushy empathy, impulsive advice, or other emotional reactions. Good listeners are those who have a bit of detachment, knowing that the feelings at hand are only one part of the story, and maybe not the most important. Put in their place, emotions are less threatening and easier to hear. Good listeners therefore are those who have a balanced approach to life and emotions.
ReplyDeleteI think there is some truth in that women talk (vent?) and just want someone to listen, whereas men are more interested in hearing solutions. But this to me is a gender difference in what a speaker wants from a listener, not whether men or women are better listeners.
ReplyDeletePeople tell me I am a good listener, but I know when I hear someone vent on the same issue repeatedly, I start to offer possible solutions.
I can think of three women who are quite close to me (close family member and coworkers) who I do not feel are good listeners. With two of them, I feel I have to talk fast or the other person will break in to tell me their own related stories, rather than asking a single follow up question to what I'm saying. With the third person, she is always saying "You should do such and such..." when I am likely just venting a little. I usually come away from such conversations dissatisfied and feeling that the listener doesn't know me very well. As an introvert, when I'm ready to open up, I want the listener to recognize that this is a bit out of the ordinary and encourage me a bit.
I do have some male friends in my life who are very good listeners, and of course women too.
So thus far it seems the consensus is that the quality listening is judged on a case-by-case basis and not by gender. Would others agree?
ReplyDeleteagreed!
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteactually the research says, and this may account for the stereotype (but not necessarily cause it of course), that men talk MORE AND tune out women's voices.
ReplyDeleteagreed!
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe degrees of depression, rather than gender, matter more to one's ability to listen. People who believe and act primarily on their feelings tend to be more depressed, and those persons would probably also be more prone to dwelling on the emotions at hand, either through gushy empathy, impulsive advice, or other emotional reactions. Good listeners are those who have a bit of detachment, knowing that the feelings at hand are only one part of the story, and maybe not the most important. Put in their place, emotions are less threatening and easier to hear. Good listeners therefore are those who have a balanced approach to life and emotions.
ReplyDelete