I've devoted much time and thought to life as an introverted pastor, but I haven't thought much about the life of an introverted pastor's wife. (Note: I'm in the PCUSA, which has been ordaining women for over 100 years, but the majority of pastors are still men. Plus, the community's expectations for the husbands of pastors are pretty different). The assumed role of the pastor's wife no doubt depends on the church you are a part of, and its cultural expectations in general for women, but it seems that the "traditional" understanding of a pastor's wife is hard to shake, even when the church is progressive in general about gender roles.
I was reading Eugene Peterson's recently released memoir, The Pastor, (which I highly, highly, oh-so-highly recommend - Peterson is the ultimate introverted American pastor), and he explained that his wife, Jan, from a very early age actually felt a call to be a pastor's wife. I had never heard that before. Peterson summarizes how Jan conceived of the vocation of pastor's wife:
For Jan, "pastor's wife" was not just being married to a pastor; it was far more vocational than that, a way of life. It meant participation in an intricate web of hospitality, living at the intersection of human need and God's grace, inhabiting a community where men and women who didn't fit were welcomed, where neglected children were noticed, where the stories of Jesus were told, and people who had no stories found that they did have stories, stories that were part of the Jesus story. Being a pastor's wife would place her strategically yet unobtrusively at a heavily trafficked intersection between heaven and earth.
It's a beautiful picture, but I wonder how an introverted pastor's wife hears that description. Does that sound overwhelming, like it would actually be a drain on joy, peace, and love?
The traditional role pivots around hospitality; often pastor's wives are expected (explicitly or implicitly) to have an open-home policy, to lead women's ministries, to be involved in children's ministry, to be the head hostess of the congregation. It's a big weight to carry for anyone, but especially for an introvert who finds such social interaction draining and often undesirable.
If you are an introverted pastor's wife (or husband), what are your thoughts? How do you conceive of your role? What are the expectations that you face? Is there room for flexibility in the role?
God bless pastors' wives! They are rarely if ever given the credit they so rightly deserve. Not only do they fill in all the gaps in church life, "mother" all the parishioners, and endure the incredible expectations of the world, but they also have to put up with the pastor, too! And all the time, smile while they're doing it all! God Bless 'Em! There has to be a very special place in heaven for them!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a pastor, but I'm on track for it, and I married a serious introvert, so we've talked a lot about this. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced that a pastor's wife is just an ordinary member of the church who happens to be married to the pastor, not a formal or informal office of the church. In some places a pastor's wife is expected to be the social hub of a congregation, to lead the women's groups, to play the piano every Sunday, to counsel couples with her husband, to be Captain Mrs. Hospitality, and so forth. I think it's great if a pastor's wife happens to have any or all of those gifts; she should use them. But for a church to EXPECT that of a pastor's wife is uncalled-for. Relative to the church, the pastor's wife is just the same as any member, and the expectation should be the same: to attend to the means of grace, to be part of the body, and to use the gifts that God has given her. That's it.
Relative to her husband, she also has the same responsibilities of love, honor, support, and fidelity that any wife has to her husband. Again, there are no special extra expectations.
It IS the case that a pastor is probably a harder man to be married to (in some ways) than a godly man with a different vocation. That is the one place where it seems appropriate--or at least unavoidable--for the role of the pastor's wife to be different from that of any other married Christian woman. She'll have an extra helping of depression to help bear, a husband who is gone at weird hours without warning to put up with, more visitors at the home than a lot of people, possible financial uncertainty, and so forth. So in that respect there can be said to be a difference for a pastor's wife that isn't merely a problem that needs fixing. Yet some of THESE particular challenges (especially providing moral and emotional support for a stressed husband) might even be easier for an introverted woman to perform than for an extrovert!
Obviously, there's no perfect church, and wives of pastors will probably always have certain expectations on them, if only implicitly, in the minds of some congregants. Nevertheless, I think that shouldn't be the case, and it's good and right to try to protect pastor's wives--especially introverted ones!--from that kind of expectation.
I am an introvert and an extroverted pastor's wife. I must say, Ryan, your wife is a very lucky woman! :) You summed it up beautifully. My husband made it very clear to his congregation that I was off limits--they were calling him, not me. He set that boundary early, and it has been respected. In addition, he and I were very mindful of my own needs for learning, growth, and pastoral care; we agreed that it was just as inappropriate for my husband to be my pastor as it would be for him to be my doctor or my psychologist if he were in either of those professions. We reached out to other clergy in the area to make sure that my needs were/are met. And, nearly everyone we know thinks that this was a very sensible decision.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to this blog, but am glad to have found it because of where my wife and I find ourselves. I, as part of the pastoral staff, am introverted, but my wife is extroverted. It creates a number of issues for us as I need a break from people to keep from feeling like I'm at work all the time, but she needs those relational touch points. I'd love to hear from someone who's walked this road and could impart some wisdom.
ReplyDeleteHey Todd - I hear you, man. Sounds like you and I have had some similar experiences. If you want to talk further, email me at adamsmchugh at gmail.
ReplyDeleteYour statement about it being easier to be an introverted pastor than an introverted pastor's wife hit the mark.
ReplyDeleteOver the years I have been accused of being unfriendly, inhospitable, showing partiality, and being exclusive. My husband, however, receives none of those accusations, even though he's more introverted than I am.
Jan Peterson's job description makes my skin crawl. I would LOVE to be that kind of pastor's wife, but it's simply not who I am.
We've lasted 13 years in a church plant. This Sunday is our last as pastor and pastor's wife. We're turning the church over to a wonderfully extroverted couple, with a huge sigh of relief!
...and never be paid for ministering, but to "count it all joy" Yes,- i know the context of the quote ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm new to this blog, but am glad to have found it because of where my wife and I find ourselves. I, as part of the pastoral staff, am introverted, but my wife is extroverted. It creates a number of issues for us as I need a break from people to keep from feeling like I'm at work all the time, but she needs those relational touch points. I'd love to hear from someone who's walked this road and could impart some wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a pastor, but I'm on track for it, and I married a serious introvert, so we've talked a lot about this. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced that a pastor's wife is just an ordinary member of the church who happens to be married to the pastor, not a formal or informal office of the church. In some places a pastor's wife is expected to be the social hub of a congregation, to lead the women's groups, to play the piano every Sunday, to counsel couples with her husband, to be Captain Mrs. Hospitality, and so forth. I think it's great if a pastor's wife happens to have any or all of those gifts; she should use them. But for a church to EXPECT that of a pastor's wife is uncalled-for. Relative to the church, the pastor's wife is just the same as any member, and the expectation should be the same: to attend to the means of grace, to be part of the body, and to use the gifts that God has given her. That's it.
Relative to her husband, she also has the same responsibilities of love, honor, support, and fidelity that any wife has to her husband. Again, there are no special extra expectations.
It IS the case that a pastor is probably a harder man to be married to (in some ways) than a godly man with a different vocation. That is the one place where it seems appropriate--or at least unavoidable--for the role of the pastor's wife to be different from that of any other married Christian woman. She'll have an extra helping of depression to help bear, a husband who is gone at weird hours without warning to put up with, more visitors at the home than a lot of people, possible financial uncertainty, and so forth. So in that respect there can be said to be a difference for a pastor's wife that isn't merely a problem that needs fixing. Yet some of THESE particular challenges (especially providing moral and emotional support for a stressed husband) might even be easier for an introverted woman to perform than for an extrovert!
Obviously, there's no perfect church, and wives of pastors will probably always have certain expectations on them, if only implicitly, in the minds of some congregants. Nevertheless, I think that shouldn't be the case, and it's good and right to try to protect pastor's wives--especially introverted ones!--from that kind of expectation.
As an introverted pastor's wife, I always feel I am not living up to people's expectations. Thank you for this post. It's encouraging to know that there are others out there as well.
ReplyDelete