A few people have lamented that I didn't include a chapter or section on introverted parenting and parenting introverts in Introverts in the Church. My reasons for this absence are twofold: 1. The book is focused on when the community of God gathers and when the community of God disperses and 2. I'm not a father and I don't know much about kids.
By far the most awkward moments in my radio interviews have come when a host or caller has asked me about 1. Being an introverted parent with an extroverted child or 2. Being an extroverted parent with an introverted child. Obviously, these are highly important topics and you can help me out by answering a few questions:
1. If you are an introverted parent, what are the hardest parts of parenting extroverts?
2. If you are an introverted parent, what general suggestions do you have for parenting?
3. If you are an extroverted parent, what are the hardest parts of parenting introverts?
4. How do you encourage introverted children to embrace their introversion and also develop social skills?
And if anyone wants to write a guest post on this issue, please let me know. I would love to get a lively conversation going here on this subject!
This is a subject we have been dealing with at our home this week. My high school son did not get a desired leadership position in the band. When we talked about why not, the people making the decisions talked about qualities they were looking for and it occurred to me that the "ideal" leaders were extroverts and using extroverted leadership styles. Made for a good conversation with my son about leadership styles, staying true to yourself, and being a leader without a title.
ReplyDeleteAdam, I am crushed. I just wrote a novel of a response and then Blogger did not accept it and it's all gone! I can't recreate it all right now but I have TONS to say on this. Will try to do so soon or maybe we just need to chat some day. =)
ReplyDeleteLikely story! But seriously, freaking blogger. If you can recover, I would love to hear your thoughts, even if they're truncated. I think this is an important conversation.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you brought this up! As an introverted mother of three, this issue rules my life. Sometimes my kids just won't stop TALKING to me!
ReplyDeleteDana, I know this sounds absolutely heretical to a lot of folks but you don't have to actively listen to everything your extrovert kids say. I read years ago about going into the Mommy Zone or being on Planet Mommy, which is where I would credit this if I could remember exactly where! The point is that not everything your extrovert child says is deep and meaningful. Sometimes extroverts just need somebody to talk "at". Often all they need as responses are conversation fillers - "is that right?", "uh-huh", "I see", "tell me more", "what do you think?". Often they aren't looking for deep responses. Obviously pick your moments, you don't want to tune out when it's about something important that happened to them, but if they are just telling you the plot of a tv program or something similar, give your self permission to zone out and not be fully engaged at an introvert level.
ReplyDeleteI'm an INTJ with a son that's a classic ISTJ (will talk ad nauseum about one topic (Legos/Bionicles) but it otherwise very quiet) and twin girls that are ENFJs (though they're sorta in the middle when it comes to E/I). Being around them is wonderful and yet utterly exhausting for me.
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest thing for me as an introverted parent is play dates. My kids are older now, with cell phones, and can set up their own get-togethers at this point. But when they were in elementary school I would often have to gear myself up before going to pick them up just in case they asked if they could get together with a friend. Planning a play date meant that I needed to help them engage the other kid and the other kid's parent about the what's, where's and when's. And it wasn't always another parent that I knew very well. If I didn't prep myself in advance for the possibility of a play date request, then I often tried to put it off (even though there really was no reason to). I just couldn't grapple with the unexpected request and the sudden requirement to engage in conversation with someone. Many times I'd just keep telling myself, "This is part of your job as a mommy. You need to do this for your kid."
Teaching my kids (my son in particular) to do similar things that he doesn't want to do is a whole 'nother issue. He might not remember what his homework was, but he's incredibly reticent to call a friend to get help. (He's better about texting. Not enough of his friends are emailers for him to use that route.) So I often call his friends, introduce myself as my son's secretary, and say that he'd like to talk to them. (They all know me pretty well at this point (I volunteer in the schools a lot.) and probably just think I'm being goofy.) Then I can hand the phone over to my son and he'll talk. But it's like pulling teeth to make it all happen.
Interestingly, lately our pastor and a few other men in the church have started greeting my son after services and chatting with him. And the pastor has taken him out for hamburgers twice now. I kinda cringed at the idea, thinking that my son would be nervous, scared, you-name-it. Instead he apparently talked the pastor's ear off the whole time. Go figure.
Ah, here's another issue that I come across. Like I said, my son's an introvert. And yet there are times he really wants to hang out with friends. Many of his friends are as geeky and introverted (two separate problems that probably interconnect fairly frequently) as he is. So you get two or more of them in the same room at the same time and what you generally end up with is a lot of awkwardness. I have to pay much more attention to my son's friends than my daughters' because I know all my son's introverted friends will be too afraid to ask for food or drink so I need to offer it to them. Whereas my daughters friends just walk into the kitchen and take what they want. (In large part because my extroverted daughters have welcomed them into the family so completely that they feel utterly comfortable doing that.)
ReplyDeleteWhen one of my son's friends gets upset about whatever's going on relationally, they tend to go off by themselves. I've learned to check up on them just to make sure they're OK, then leave them be. They eventually either go back to playing, or I find a way to graciously enable them to get home without having to re-engage in whatever the problem issue was. (And if it's my son who's being the stinker, I give him his space and just make sure his friends are having fun without him.)
My son has recently made some extroverted friends and he really enjoys being around them. I think he loves the energy and the coolness by association that he feels being with them. But he's also way more grumpy and turd-like when he's been hanging with them. I can only presume it's because they wear him out. And I wonder if there isn't also some aspect in which their culture is so utterly foreign to his that he has to concentrate on it full time to feel like he's doing it right, which means he can't give much time or energy to me or others that might mess things up.
There's also the problem of having an introverted kid in the school system. At my kids' school, the extroverts are far more often picked to be on student council (not elected positions but hand picked by the administration), picked as student ambassadors, invited to join special clubs, etc. So not only do teachers often pass over them in class because these kids aren't in the teachers' faces, but they're receiving a very clear message from the administration that they're simply not as good or as special as the extroverted kids. It's something we've tried to bring up as a PTO and the extroverted principal just. doesn't. get it.
Okay, now that I know blogger will accept my post, here's more, and it will probably be a novel:
ReplyDeleteI'm an introverted mother of three kids: boys ages 6 and 4 and a baby girl. The hardest part about being an introverted mom of young kids is that you're on duty 24/7 and never get to be alone. Even at night moms are on call for nightmares, bathroom help, and checking out "scary noises." Whether introverts or extroverts, we moms sleep lightly because our minds are constantly scanning the world around us for dangers that might hurt our children. This makes us so tired because our minds can never truly relax. Our "Mom Radar" is always on.
My older son Nathan (a slight introvert) has always played well by himself, but my second son is another story entirely. Daniel was a super-fussy baby, and balancing his needs with 2-year-old Nathan's was difficult. Now that Daniel is a 4-year-old extrovert, he talks constantly and always seems to need my help with something. It's always "Mommy, watch me" and "Mommy, how come..." and "Mommy, I need a drink/snack/etc." and "Mommy, this shirt is inside out." He wears me down, but I feel like a bad mother if I don't help him and encourage him every time he asks. I can't turn away my own child, especially when he genuinely needs help.
Another problem is that I can't go hide at family or church social events because my kids are too young to be left unsupervised, even for a minute. Babies are great because not only do they not chatter on and on, but they also provide a good excuse to take a break: "Excuse me for a minute, I need to go change/feed the baby" or "The baby is fussing, so I'm going to take her for a little walk."
By the time my husband (who works a lot and travels often) gets home, I have little or nothing left for him. I also don't feel like I can ask for much help from him because he works so hard. He does take the boys out on "adventures" sometimes on Saturdays which gives me some time "alone" with Eden (the baby). I know it's important to take care of my marriage, too, and I do my best.
Unless moms plan ahead for a babysitter, there are no breaks, so I have to get creative in order to get in that necessary "recharging" time. If I don't get it, I start snapping at kids and husband alike, which does no one any good.
Here are some things that have helped me. I start each child in part-time preschool (maybe 2 or 3 mornings a week) as soon as he turns 2. I still make Daniel take a nap every afternoon even though he probably doesn't need it anymore. Knowing that I will have a break at a certain time helps keep me sane the rest of the day. We don't have cable or even broadcast TV, but I let the boys watch movies. Outdoor activities like bike/scooter rides and playing at the park are good for my frazzled nerves.
Once the kids are all in school, I will have lots of regular alone time, but having kids in school brings its own challenges. They always want parents to volunteer for everything, and there are lots of extra events to attend. This is a bit off the subject, but I always wanted to be an elementary school teacher but I knew I couldn't do it because my stamina for people isn't high enough. Like Adam, I love people and love to be with them, but it's so draining that I have to do it in moderation.
I love my kids--each is a special and unique creation of God--so their constant demands and my resulting exhaustion are worth it. Everyone says that when my kids are bigger I will miss the days when they were small. I believe it--my baby girl is already 5 months old and growing out of yet another size of clothing, so I try to treasure every moment with her. Being an introverted mom is a major challenge, but there's nothing I would rather do. Bring it on!!!
This is a light-bulb moment for me!
ReplyDeleteI'm better understanding why I needed that quiet space apart from my kids when they were little. I used to think I was some sort of "less-than" mom. This is all starting to make sense to me.
Thanks for the "aha" moment ...
Linda
1. If you are an introverted parent, what are the hardest parts of parenting extroverts?
ReplyDeleteWalking up to the people my super-social son has struck up a conversation with and pulling him away. Then trying to teach him about the whole talking to strangers thing without crushing him and his extrovertedness or imposing my introvertedness on him.
2. If you are an introverted parent, what general suggestions do you have for parenting?
Since, as an introvert, you will seek to be alone to decompress, simply make sure that the time you spend with family/kids is quality time (i.e., quality over quantity).
This is amazing. Clearly people want to talk about this. I don't have much to contribute but I am listening carefully!
ReplyDelete1. If you are an introverted parent, what are the hardest parts of parenting extroverts?
ReplyDeleteMuch less time alone. My wife is somewhat introverted, I am very introverted. Prior to having kids, it was very easy for me to have time alone. However, with childcare responsibilities, every minute of alone time after the kids are in bed becomes all the more precious. I find that with having kids, I have to be more careful about which social activities I commit myself to. Also, after having kids, I've taken up drawing and painting -- I find the quiet, focused concentration required for these activities to be very therapeutic.
Now that our kids are older they can understand that I am not lying or exaggerating when I really need time alone.
This is also the second year that I have gone on a personal 4-day-long retreat to a retreat center with a hermitage - a one-room cabin. Not only is such an experience a great reward for an introvert after surviving the trials of the winter holiday season -- it is also a great investment in my own sanity.
2. If you are an introverted parent, what general suggestions do you have for parenting?
Communicate with your spouse that sometimes you really need time to be alone and practice on recognizing situations when you are getting close to your social burn-out threshold -- and don't feel guilty about skipping out of social activities if you are on the verge of social burn-out. Appeasing your extroverted family and friends when you are getting to the point of burn-out is not worth the toll it will take on you.
3. If you are an extroverted parent, what are the hardest parts of parenting introverts?
Because I am an introvert, I will abstain from answering this question.
4. How do you encourage introverted children to embrace their introversion and also develop social skills?
Although I am biased, I don't generally feel that introverts have a deficit of social skills that have to be developed. I can socialize if I want to, it's just that I usually don't want to -- particularly if banal topics are involved like sports, pop stars, most action and comedy movies and the vast majority of TV shows. Granted, it is important for introverts to be able to manage these kind of social interactions at some minimal level, but Introverted children can be encouraged by being given their own separate time and space to develop their own interests. If introverted children have any interests, they will gravitate to those with similar interests. Introverts are interested in a small number of deep, meaningful relationships. Mature introverts know that facebook friend counts are meaningless statistics with very little substance.
In short, give your children space to be introverts and have their own interests, acknowledge their need for solitude and don't feel that, by virtue of their introversion, they suffer from social deficiencies that need to be "fixed". After all, were Beatrix Potter's parents to force their daughter to spend more time in group social activities and less time to imagine stories, not only would we likely not have her childrens stories to enjoy, but she would probably have had an utterly miserable childhood.
I am an introverted father of five. My oldest daughter is quite introverted and my other four children possess various degrees of extraversion. My second oldest daughter (now 18) is very outgoing. The biggest problem I have is FRIENDS. I really don't enjoy it when their friends come over and tend to disappear. I feel like it's a major invasion of my space. To make things more difficult, we live a mile or so outside of town along a fairly busy road, so friends can't just "drop by" (Good) but then requires "making arrangements" (Bad). Luckily for me, my wife is an extravert and generally takes care of these details. My daughter (the 18 year old) often talks about how her friends' fathers will talk to and tease her (only appropriately of course). But that's just not who I am. However, I do want to be aware of her activities and so I do a lot of listening. As many of you know, some extraverts don't really require much response, they want someone to talk at. THAT I can do.
ReplyDeleteI am an introverted parent, and Dana's post was so familiar I felt myself tearing up a little. Definitely, the hardest part of being an introverted parent is that it's just not acceptable to demand that your child stop talking to you for PLEASE JUST FIVE MINUTES! The only time in the week I can turn the Mommy radar off is Tuesday nights when my husband takes the kids to Kid's Church. That's really not quite enough for me, so I find myself sneaking time before the kids wake up in the morning and after they go to sleep at night, which just cheats me out of sleep and reduces my emotional resources for the next day anyway.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, my youngest still loves to ride in the stroller. So any time I'm feeling particularly frazzled, now that the weather is nice, I can just plunk him in the stroller and go. As long as I manage to bring water in case he gets thirsty, he doesn't really require much attention from me as long as we keep moving. So it's a good way to give my brain some decompression time.
You didn't ask what is the hardest part of being an introverted parent parenting an introverted child. It's wrestling with the tapes of your introverted mother who never had the tools to understand her own introversion and trying to teach you to be an extrovert. Sort of like the way parents try to make lefties be righties in a right-handed world, square pegs in round holes and all that. It's balancing on the one hand affirming your child's shared introversion (in ways your mother didn't understand) and on the other helping her avoid the shoals of introversion gone out of control, as in teaching her the differerence between solitude and loneliness and how the former can easily become the latter.
ReplyDeleteHi, Chris. Fancy seeing you here.
Zrim
Thanks for asking that question Steve. What are the hardest parts about being an introverted parent and parenting an introverted child?
ReplyDeleteHi, Steve. We have to stop meeting like this.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part about being an introverted parent and parenting an introverted child is teaching them about how social interaction works. It generally involves me having to be social, even if it's not a situation or a group of people that I feel like being social with. (His friends' parents aren't always the people I would naturally hang out with.)
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard being an introverted parent of an introverted child who has lots of introverted friends who sometimes have extroverted parents who want to talk my ear off about how their child(ren) just doesn't get out and do stuff enough and how they need to be bolder and go make friends yada yada yada. It makes me cringe inside.
You're right, Adam. This is an important topic, but it wouldn't have fit well with your book. In fact, introverted parenting needs to have its own book!
ReplyDeleteI don't have time right now for a lengthy comment but i wanted to confirm what Dana said - parenting would have been off-topic for your book. That said, your book was eye-opening to me and I have found your discussion of introverted leaders VERY helpful to me as a parent of my introverted children. As a parent I just try to confirm to my kids that they are fine the way they are. I also was able to point out that being a leader does not have to mean being overly vocal or outspoken.
ReplyDeleteI think you've given me fodder for a post of my own, sir.
ReplyDeleteLike the lady above, I have a son who's likely an ISTJ, and a very extroverted daughter. This is a formula for nothing so much as exhaustion. Like the other lady above, when I come home from work my wife, too, has virtually nothing left to give. But mostly that's ok because I'm wiped from work.
I've learned to function in an extroverted world, but man does in wear me out.
I am a very proud introvert, so my children are learning the great benefits and stretching areas for both ends of the spectrum. Dad will talk to anyone & everyone forever, but he may have a harder time focusing when you want to tell him something while he's on the computer. Mom is a great listener & counselor, but too much stimulation, such as children on the wii, will send her to her bedroom (exact scenario that is allowing me to write this response!). I encourage all introverts to do research & reading about personality type (after Adam's book, read The Introvert Advantage - love, love it!), so you can not only come to terms with being an introvert, but also come to love it! I've gently educated my husband, friends, & church along the way, as well, so I at least don't feel misunderstood by those closest to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd to you sweet moms with little ones, I'm sending blessings of peace through the blogosphere to you right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming a bit late to this discussion, but I did want to add something. I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I spend quite a bit of time with our friends' young children, and I've noticed something in our interactions with them. I'm an introvert, and my husband is an extrovert, and so he is funny and energetic and engages easily with kids. I love kids too, but I'm not like that and I envy his easy way of relating to them. I also find myself worrying that our kids will end up liking him more than me because he's the "fun" one. I know this is probably founded more on my own insecurities than in reality, but it's something I struggle with.
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm so glad I found this as I'm a new mom who's been trying to do ministry in an extroverted world for the last 7 years (2 years full-time after graduating). I'm glad that my son is a social introvert like me but it was definitely tough navigating the holidays (he was born in December) during those crucial 6 weeks post-partum. Everyone wanted to come over and wanted us to go over and in the beginning it seemed fine but it eventually wore me down. I think so far, one of the toughest things of being an introverted parent is not noticing your own signs of being worn down. Guilt makes things seem more like petty annoyances that we should deal with instead of activities which drain our energy stores, thereby taking us away from the people who truly need us, our spouse and kids. We need to have that "me time" so we can be the best version of ourselves. This is where I found the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry McCloud was incredibly helpful, especially as an introvert who tries to please everyone.
ReplyDeleteSorry, this isn't much of a contribution to the conversation but I am so thankful that this has been started. Would that I had this 10 years ago to have avoided burn-out and depression. Thanks everyone who has posted!
I think you've given me fodder for a post of my own, sir.
ReplyDeleteLike the lady above, I have a son who's likely an ISTJ, and a very extroverted daughter. This is a formula for nothing so much as exhaustion. Like the other lady above, when I come home from work my wife, too, has virtually nothing left to give. But mostly that's ok because I'm wiped from work.
I've learned to function in an extroverted world, but man does in wear me out.
The hardest part about being an introverted parent and parenting an introverted child is teaching them about how social interaction works. It generally involves me having to be social, even if it's not a situation or a group of people that I feel like being social with. (His friends' parents aren't always the people I would naturally hang out with.)
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard being an introverted parent of an introverted child who has lots of introverted friends who sometimes have extroverted parents who want to talk my ear off about how their child(ren) just doesn't get out and do stuff enough and how they need to be bolder and go make friends yada yada yada. It makes me cringe inside.
I am an introverted parent, and Dana's post was so familiar I felt myself tearing up a little. Definitely, the hardest part of being an introverted parent is that it's just not acceptable to demand that your child stop talking to you for PLEASE JUST FIVE MINUTES! The only time in the week I can turn the Mommy radar off is Tuesday nights when my husband takes the kids to Kid's Church. That's really not quite enough for me, so I find myself sneaking time before the kids wake up in the morning and after they go to sleep at night, which just cheats me out of sleep and reduces my emotional resources for the next day anyway.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, my youngest still loves to ride in the stroller. So any time I'm feeling particularly frazzled, now that the weather is nice, I can just plunk him in the stroller and go. As long as I manage to bring water in case he gets thirsty, he doesn't really require much attention from me as long as we keep moving. So it's a good way to give my brain some decompression time.
Adam, I am crushed. I just wrote a novel of a response and then Blogger did not accept it and it's all gone! I can't recreate it all right now but I have TONS to say on this. Will try to do so soon or maybe we just need to chat some day. =)
ReplyDelete